Speaking on the West Front of the Capitol surrounded by Democratic lawmakers, Pelosi, D-Calif., said the House’s magical version of a health care reform bill will include an enchanted government-run insurance option and extend mystical, mysterious coverage to 36 million uninsured Americans.

It includes health care for everybody, lower costs, a unicorn in every garage, no rain on weekends and Milk Duds for all the children of the world! It is 1,990 pages describing a wonderful world where, as Pelosi says: “The Affordable Health Care Act will ensure, again, affordability for the middle class, security for our seniors, and responsibility to our children.” She also pointed out that the bill guarantees that all breasts be perky, all cocks long and thick and that no American will ever wake up tired on weekdays again.

The plan means insurers no longer could refuse to provide coverage to the sick, nor could they charge more because of poor health of the insured. The plan also calls for a significant expansion of Medicaid, the federal-state health program for low-income people. And it would impose a requirement on employers to offer insurance to their workers or face penalties… all for less cost, less deficit and savings for every American! Pelosi added that the plan prohibits static cling, sleet, watered down drinks, mean people and dandruff.

The bill would require nearly everyone by 2013 to sign up through their employer, a government program or a new kind of purchasing pool called an exchange. The result, says Pelosi, is that every American will have above average health and longer lifespans than all other Americans. Pelosi said that the bill will lower patient costs and reduce the national deficit. She then flapped her arms and flew to the moon.

Share on Facebook