I’m tired of stupid people. I’m tired of bailing out stupid people for the stupid things they do. I saw the photo above and realized that American stupidity is only just beginning to surface. Not only do we collectively have no money sense, we apparently continue to struggle with the tricky nuances of the “your” v. “you’re” rule while soliciting stupid people to engage in stupid money decisions….

Let me start by saying that I have also officially become “Anti-Politically-Correct Man.” PC is a huge contributor to this problem and a host of others. We use terms like “subsidy” for bailout, “social programs” for welfare and “victim” for stupid. Instead, we need to actually call stupid people STUPID, because they require this constant reminder of their limitations. In many ways, we’re doing both them and ourselves a favor:

The housing debacle (and now bleeding heavily into a similar ‘auto debacle’) was caused by two groups of stupid people (dumb lenders and stupid buyers) getting together and pooling their collective dumbness, creating a black hole from which no intelligence, common sense or rationality could escape. [One dumb person is dangerous, but primarily to themselves. Two dumb people are a danger to themselves, and to others.] When stupid people join forces, the lack of intelligence is somehow compounded, magnified, refined and focused. It can also be catastrophic for the smart people who happen to be quietly going about their lives in a responsible and prudent manner.

If you stripped down the sophisticated “business transaction” that transpired between these two groups of STUPID people and put it in plain English, even a third grader would grasp that something is amiss:

Buyer: I really don’t have much money, but I would like to live in a great big house and drive an expensive new gas guzzling SUV. In full disclosure, I really haven’t saved anything for my kid’s college, my retirement or, well…for anything. In fact, I’m still working off that payday loan I used for our well-deserved family trip to Hawaii. Oh, and I still have a bit left on my own federal school loan….

Lender: No problem. I see here that you have about a dozen credit and charge cards, all with balances and a history of late payments on most of them. I also see that you have tapped into your existing home equity on a number of occasions and are carrying two mortgages. Apparently those mortgage balances are higher than the appraised value of the home, but I think we can work through that.

Buyer: I’m hoping to keep my payments as low as possible, as I’m pretty much spending every dime I make just paying the minimum balances on those credit cards you mentioned. And, boy, even the daily necessities seem to be getting expensive! Between the 4 cell phones for my kids, the new premium satellite HDTV package and my health club dues, there’s not much left. But I’m sure I’ll get a raise soon – I’ve been working for my current employer for over six months now.

Lender: We’ve got just the thing for you. It’s a program whereby we loan you money at a mere 3% interest for the first couple of years – until you get that raise you mentioned-then we ‘adjust’ it. And, if rates should go down, you may even pay less than 3%! Even if rates go up a bit, the equity you will have built due to the historic appreciation of real estate will allow you tap that for any higher payment. Or, you can just opt for the interest-only payment, which will cut your monthly payment in half. The beauty of this loan is that it requires no money down, and we’ll just conveniently finance all the fees as part of the loan. You can drive away in your new SUV and park it in your new garage today for only $1,000 per month!

Buyer: $1,000? Hmmmmm, that’s going to be a stretch. But we’re a young and healthy family, so I guess I can drop my health insurance and use the money for premiums for the house and car loan. I guess we can’t have everything, so something has give…..

Fast forward: Mortgage adjusts to 8% and buyer cries foul for being “forced” out of his home when payments more than double. Gas hits $4.00 and the SUV gets 9 miles to the gallon and he can’t afford to drive it to work. Buyer decides to bike to work, but gets hit by Toyota Prius that swerves to miss a Code Pink protest of the Boy Scouts (who, as everyone knows, it merely a pseudo-military brainwashing organization designed to indoctrinate young men into the glamour of wearing a uniform.) Breeder Buyer has no health insurance and immediately begins bellowing about “the cost of health care” and calls for socialized medicine National Healthcare Coverage, especially for his kids who, through no fault of their own, have stupid parents aren’t covered.

Lender claims financial malfeasance over exposure to a sub-prime lending trend and demands taxpayer bailout government intervention to stem off a much needed market correction and collective wake-up call national credit crisis. Lender’s stock plummets corrects. Lender tells Congress that everything would improve if people would just get dumber start spending and borrowing again, specifically for the huge inventory of houses and cars now owned by the Lender consumer goods.

Federal Reserve destroys the currency lowers the interest rate to promote additional borrowing, and Congress starts issuing STUPIDITY Rewards stimulus checks to promote spending. STUPIDITY Rewards Stimulus checks will be targeted for the dumbest of the dumb hardest hit by this debacle downturn. Understanding that all of this is predicated on specific action from STUPID people consumers, Congress tacks on instructions telling people to blow the money stimulate the economy by going to Best Buy engaging in commerce.

Buyer and Lender let out a collective sigh of relief. And fucking signs like one above start popping up all over again.

As the saying goes, the only reason most Americans don’t own an elephant is because they have not been offered one with no money down, and convenient monthly payments. I am looking forward to seeing elephants in the street any day now.

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