Off Topic

This Off Topic thread brought to you by a very bad PLF.

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96 Responses to Off Topic

  1. reboot says:

    What’d that dude do to his legs?

    • Locke n Load says:

      got a bunch of seeds for ya sir, straight out of an Iowa garden center. next time i’m in Tx i’ll get the others and set you up a care package delivery 🙂
      indian corn, sweet corn, popcorn, muskmelon, etc

      • reboot says:

        If you won’t take cash, Sir, then what would you like from Guambodia besides pepper seeds? Thanks!!!

  2. R.D. Walker says:

    I have 72 military jumps. Three resulted in trips to the hospital. At least five more resulted in being pretty messed up.

    The video above is on Badger Drop Zone at Fort McCoy Wisconsin. I got hurt there once myself.

    I have jumped exposed weapon exactly once and it was on Badger. I am pretty tall at 6’4″. The M-16A1 managed to get its butt stock in my armpit and I did a PLF on that side. The barrel went into the dirt and the butt went up into my armpit like a crutch. Bent the barrel of the rifle, damned near dislocated my shoulder and left me bruised and skinned plus nerve damaged numb for months.

    That was a night jump and I completed a 16 click hump to the surveillance site that night. In the morning, after the extraction, I gave in and requested a medic..

    From then on, I demanded my good old, M-1950 weapon case.

    • Locke n Load says:

      I don’t know WHY you folks have to train with those goddawful round chutes. They’re a royal pain in the ass to manage, pack horribly, and land you like a ton of bricks.
      Granted, I didn’t see ANY sign the guy attempted to brake his landing with the lines but still, ow. Why aren’t they training with 12 cell chutes? Maneauverable as hell, pack better, are lighter, and you can put down as soft as you like.
      Call me nuts but I say fuck the PLF nonsense, just use better chutes

      • R.D. Walker says:

        They don’t want people flying around crashing into each other in a mass tactical and, when you are loaded down with gear, they actually land softer than the other kind. I have jumped both. It is a hell of a lot easier to get hurt with the squares.

        • Locke n Load says:

          Man, thats hard to believe. The squares have so many benefits over the rounds.. I’ve jumped into 20-30 mph winds and managed soft landings. At the very least they allow for accurate landings in the worst weather.
          Doesn’t special forces jump the 12 cells?
          Lemme get this straight..
          A 12 cell doesn’t manage braking as well because of weight? I’ve seen some hefty gents jumpin the squares and landing nicely.
          Seems having SOME brakes to almost NO brakes would be advantagous. What am I missing?

          • R.D. Walker says:

            Have you ever stepped out into complete darkness on a moonless night at 900′ AGL with 100 lbs of shit strapped on you with 700 of your closest friends filling the sky like leaves on a windy autumn day?

            It is better to have a lot of silk and come straight down.

            • Uke says:

              Would you believe that my father trained me and my brother from a very young age to conduct proper PLFs? For fun? “Jump off those 10-15 foot landings, kids, it’ll be great!”

              Shit you not. For fun. It was fun for me and my bro, too.

              Until we grew up and stopped bouncing when we hit the ground.

            • Locke n Load says:

              OK, see, that makes a bit of sense 🙂 Mass HALO jumps could get hairy without nightvision goggles

            • Locke n Load says:

              And Uke, your dad had a sick sense of humor,lol. Did he issue these orders with a beer in hand? Certainly mom was nowhere to be seen…
              If my mom had seen me doing my jumps off the garage with an F4J drag chute she’d have had a heart attack

            • Ray Davies says:

              Worst I ever had was a sprained knee and ankles, if you don’t count the time I had loose crotch straps,and then you have to feel sorry for the poor bastard below me. No way in hell I’d try that again.

    • reboot says:

      Dayum, that reiterates why I canxd my Army MOS signup in ’84. I was 2 weeks away from signing to be a Pershing II Missle tech in West Germany. Navy came along with more money and jumped on it.

  3. Bman says:

    How are you supposed to land without causing injury?

  4. Locke n Load says:

    To all who would care, RD still looks like RD, his little town is pure Americana, and i’ve finallhy got a pint of his personal whiskey.
    good times…

    • R.D. Walker says:

      And Locke still looks like Locke. We drove around in my ’69 Impala with the top down, had lunch at one of my favorite watering holes and had a fine time.

  5. MadBrad says:

    Oh hell yeah. Locke and RD drinking together, Sweet.

    • Locke n Load says:

      Wish I could have stayed the night but RD has some very precious alone time and I had 750 miles to get to final from his house by Mon AM.
      I opted for a gentlemanly retreat so RD wouldn’t have to justify or explain his understandable desire for a quiet house.
      I tend to rile shit up, especially when I make dinner.
      He sent me on my way with a pint of liquid gold.
      Tell ya what, if RD isn’t going to use that barrel again I’m going to swipe it from him. I have a strong urge to build another still and ‘refine’ some wheat beer.
      Honestly RD, that whiskey is outstanding.

    • Locke n Load says:

      Actually, I’m guessing Nota is tippin back a few with Jim about now in Revo NW

    • R.D. Walker says:

      Yeah, we hung out for a good five hours but I was the only one drinking. They frown on that for truck drivers on the road. I sent him off with a to-go jar, however.

  6. MadBrad says:

    I jumped into Ft. McCoy in November of 1985. It wasn’t near as cold as it gets at Ft. McCoy but it was still seriously cold enough for me. Getting the opportunity to party in Lacrosse for a weekend somehow made it all worthwhile.

    • Locke n Load says:

      All of my jumps (except the first 2) were preceded by a fine kansas dichweed and executed in the wheatfields of sunny, but windy, kansas. The two guys i trained with, both recent military-to-be, never showed their faces again after either missing the drop zone by 1/2 mile or landing in trees.
      For the sake of their brothers in arms, I hope they both got desk jobs

      • MadBrad says:

        In my world, the only reason for missing the DZ was called the United States Air Force. It happened several times. It sucked to have to be part of the team tasked with recovering palletized vehicles that missed the Drop Zone.

        • Locke n Load says:

          Especially if it involved swampland I imagine..

          • MadBrad says:

            Yes, and the worse case was the jump into Victory Drop Zone on Ft. Stewart in December of 1984. There was low visibility and the Air Force was flying by AWADS, the military version of Loran. All the vehicles and half of the troops went into a cypress swamp just off the Drop Zone. We had to get Sikorsky Sky Cranes to get things out. Some of the vehicles were literally hanging in the trees.

        • R.D. Walker says:

          In a story I have told before, I was jumpmaster on a CARP jump on a pitch black, moonless night in California in which my six man surveillance team missed the dropzone by two miles and landed in a farming area. In flight rig. Lowering line was routed through large ALICE frame. Wouldn’t lower. Just dropped off to the side.

          I landed unprepared in an concrete irrigation canal. That hurt. Serious bruise to my heel to the bone. And the water was probably ~36 degrees. And flowing fast enough to make white water. I was swept downstream at least a hundred yards. Crawled out cold, hurt, wet and lost in the dark.

          Worst. Jump. Ever.

          I also didn’t scream like a little girl.

        • R.D. Walker says:

          Fort Chaffe Arkansas: July 1990. JRTC ARTEP FTX. Drop zone the size of a football field. All six surveillance team members in the trees. I thought I was going to miss the trees so I lowered my shit. You aren’t supposed to if you are going to do a tree landing. I found out why.

          My parachute pretty much came down by the side of the tree but my ruck stayed at the top. I went through the tree and ended up hanging upside down by a 17′ lowering line 10′ off the ground with an inflated chute pulling on me, I didn’t get hurt although it was close. When I ejected my gear, I fell to the ground and my 80 lb ruck fell out of the tree and landed about two feet from my face.

          Good times.

          I didn’t scream like a little girl.

        • R.D. Walker says:

          Camp Bullis, Texas. Day jump. C-130. Under canopy I looked down and saw that I was going to land on trees, a big pile of sharp rocks, a bunch of cactus or grazing cattle.

          I landed like a feather on a soft sandy spot in between them all and started a stampede.

          • Ray Davies says:

            Wasn’t it fun to jump at camp Bullis? Oh yeah, we came in behind the engineers and blew their shit up. This was 1963,got most of our training at the same area, Ft.Sam,Ft.Hood,Camp Bullis, and then a fair amount of travel.

        • R.D. Walker says:

          Howard Air Force Base, Panama, 1985. Night jump. I landed in a 5′ foot deep hole. More of a trench, actually. Didn’t get injured but it hurt like hell. You can’t do a PLF in a hole.

          Didn’t scream like a little girl.

        • R.D. Walker says:

          Camp MacKall NC. The prettiest, greenest dropzone you ever saw. It’s in the middle of the triangle of runways, it looks like it is a manicured lawn or golf course. Perfectly flat, not a single obstacle… beautiful.

          It is 100% ground cover prickly pear cactus. After landing and doing PLFs, we sure all felt like screaming like little girls.

          • Ray Davies says:

            A few of you remember.

            Fort Puke (Polk) Louisiana Basic Training, 1964. Troop Transportation. There were two types. The open stake trucks like those below and the enclosed ‘Cattle Cars’. The ‘Cattle Cars’ were like Prison Wagons. Metal, totally enclosed with 5 or 6 very small windows high up on each side. In the heat, humidity and sun in Louisiana, painted OD Green, and 50 plus Troops inside; they were like being inside a beer can in campfire coals – and you couldn’t get out until the Drill Sergeants unlocked the door. Got claustrophobia – to bad! Get over it!

            The open stake trucks were a bit better. A row of 2X wood plank seats along each side and 2 back to back rows of seats down the middle. Standing up you felt like sardines in a tin. Capacity was somewhere around 54 but the Drill Sergeants usually packed in 60 or more until they could just barely close the gate. With web gear and an M-14; when they yelled “READY – SEATS”, you never really sat until the truck hit a few potholes. Your knees were locked with the guy across from you, tighter than anyone you ever made love to.

            On site, they opened the gate (or door) and the Drill Sergeants barked, “You Better Be Running Before Your Feet Hit The Ground”!

            With the open trucks it was about a 4 foot jump. Not everyone landed successfully. That earned you a Drill Sergeant in your face (not words of encouragement) and maybe a boot up your ass.

            I think the trucks were better than marching to the training site, maybe . . . . sometimes . . . .

            This picture was taken in Inchon, Korea. These boys didn’t mind. They were going home!

        • R.D. Walker says:

          Nijmegen Drop Zone, Fort Bragg… I was on the first pass had landed and was hoofing it off the DZ. I could hear the second pass of C-130s in the darkness overhead.

          Suddenly, I heard what sounded like an artillery round whistling in and a loud thud. I was splashed with water.

          Somebody didn’t hook up his lowering line and dropped his ruck from 200′. The splash was the explosion of his two quart canteen on impact. That may have been my closest near death experience and I was already done jumping.

  7. MadBrad says:

    I broke my right ankle when I landed on the side of a burning ditch in Puerto Rico and didn’t scream like a little girl. I made it to the first objective before I saw a medic.

    The “Salines Training Area”, imagine that. I think the whole objective of Operation Ocean Venture was to say; “This is how we WOULD have done Grenada if we hadn’t allowed everything to become such a cluster fuck”.

  8. Locke n Load says:

    How ya likin small town NE Washington Nota? Get a chance to meet my cousins? Outstanding crop of folks you’re visiting up there buddy..

  9. R.D. Walker says:

    I had to take a ration of shit from Locke yesterday for my new pup. First, he conveyed that no self respecting man would admit to owning a labradoodle. Then he told me that she looks like a “girl’s dog”.

    My defense was that she is more likely to be healthy because she is essentially a mutt and not an inbred pedigree. Second the poodle in her sort of tempers the high energy of the lab. Finally, I have never seen her shed a single hair.

    Now, I got my Hardcore CardTM punched as combat infantryman and paratrooper a long time ago… and that is for life. I could carry around a teacup fucking yorkie and Locke wouldn’t be qualified to call me a puss, by God.

    Still, what say you? Could a lesser man own a labradoodle without having his balls diminished?

    Here she is: Scout. Three months old.

    scout

    • TN-Cat says:

      She is adorable RD. If that is what you want, what difference does it make what anyone else thinks.

      Has Brad asked to to take her along for his pedicures?

      • Locke n Load says:

        bwahhaaaaha!

      • MadBrad says:

        I’m due for another pedicure this week and I will go to my traditional hot Vietnamese babe to git ‘er done. With that comes a foot and lower leg (up to the knee-caps) massage. Nothing un-masculine about that, I’ll assure you.

        I find it rather odd that some men here would allow their very manhood to feel challenged if it were known that they even thought about getting a pedicure. What must it be like to have a sense of manhood that is that fragile? As for me, I’ve punished my feet a LOT over the course of my manly life. As I get older I feel that my feet need to be rewarded for the fine job they’ve done. It’s just the many colored nail glosses that are now available that really gets me confused. Some days I feel hot pink, then it’s blaze orange or green with glitter. So many choices.

        • Locke n Load says:

          there is an entire industry in china built around foot and leg massage. i went once with the wife and damn near melted.
          i draw the line at prettyin up the toes

    • Locke n Load says:

      Hey now, for the record I like that dog, she’s a sweetheart and playful. She gets a thumbs up, ok?

      But the name Labradoodle is just…. I dunno, I suspect just saying the word makes your unit shrink is all I’m sayin. God.only knows how many times you can say it before your manhood just goes up in a puff of smoke and Will and Grace starts appearing on your Netflix.
      Mutt is a fine workaround 🙂
      you know, for safety’s sake.
      And I sure as hell don’t want a teacup pocket dog, my daughters do. Ugh

      • TN-Cat says:

        One of our dogs is a Dorkie. Doesn’t get worse than that. When my wife brought him home, I got my teenage son a Golden. Couldn’t imagine a teenage boy with a Dorkie for a dog.

        Tell you what though. This little guy is a hoot. He is a 200 pound dog in a 10 pound body. He is the boss of the Golden.

        • Locke n Load says:

          yup, dogs are fun no matter the size. my girls fell in love with some DoxiePoo pups. And while I know they’d be great pets, just typing DoxiePoo makes my testosterone levels crater

          • Greg B says:

            Years ago I had a friend who’s mother bred daschunds.
            I tell you what, 25 baby pups wanting to be you best friend is a lot of fun.

    • Jim22 says:

      Cute pup, RD. It’s a female so she’ll probably be your dog. Hope she’s not a rattle-head. She will be until she gets out of puppyhood.

      The one or two I have known were hyper.

      • R.D. Walker says:

        She is remarkable calm for a puppy. I may have pulled an ace from the deck with this one.

    • notamobster says:

      My Man Card is 100% dues paid, Lifetime Member, as well. This is my teacup Yorkie, Samuel Adams:

      20130606_104723

      He was a pup, then. This was before his first haircut.

      • reboot says:

        Gah, put a pink t’shirt on him and tell everybody you’ve “seen the light”. Yer not gay, yer HAPPY! 🙂 I let my wife paint my toenails now. Isn’t painful and who gives a rat’s ass who notices?

  10. sortahwitte says:

    Years ago, my mom raised the smaller poodles. Never a dog hair that wasn’t attached to a dog. The large “standard” poodles were just crazy. Having a brain dead horse would be similar fun. When he took a dump, it took a shovel and a wheel barrow.

    • rj says:

      the hair thing sounds good, my three in house GSD’s leave the floors looking like it has fur.

      but there is not really any danger of someone creaping through the giant size pet door though.

  11. MadBrad says:

    This past week I engaged some black men in conversation, as they sat around outside of the convenience store enjoying an adult beverage or two. It was Friday, chillin’ time with a crowd of people who varied in age. We got to talking about my dogs and I started hearing stories about my dogs that I would have never known otherwise.

    “Those are your Angel Dogs. God sent those Dogs to you to be your protection. Everybody knows this, that’s why you don’t have no Jits messin’ round your place. Those dogs always want to be at your side. God can make his Angels look like anything he wants them to look like. Those Dogs are crazy about you, look at ’em right now”.

    Sampson was standing with his paws on the top rail of my gate, looking at me as he barked and howled, not understanding why I would ever be outside of the gate without him at my side. Nikki was just standing there looking at me, barking and wagging her tail. It’s a good feeling that I get, knowing how much those Dogs absolutely love me.

  12. R.D. Walker says:

    Had a microburst storm this morning right before church. Lasted about one minute. First the trees went north and then they went south. Must have been 70 mph. One 60′ elm came down in my yard and took a mulberry with it. Spent the day with the chain saw. Went through two chains and a quart of chain oil. Except for the big ass trunk, it is all cut and stacked and the brush is cleaned up.

    I am friggin wiped out. I have the soul of a 20 year old but the body of a 50 year old man. Gotta go soak.

    • R.D. Walker says:

      Oh, Scout is wiped out too. She was out with me the whole time carrying sticks around, chasing bugs, digging in the dirt and trying as hard as she could to trip me.

      • Locke n Load says:

        sounds like that front i told you about finally made it to iowa, hope that was the elm you were going to have removed anyway! what a mess.
        good thing your boy left you some bath toys 🙂

  13. Jim22 says:

    Supposedly six months worth. Whaddaya think?

    Bucket Storage 6 months

    Six months worth for how many, one?

    Thin rations.

    • reboot says:

      They tryin to eat like bubbleheads? At least we got freezers for meat to add to it.
      Nowadays the chirren on the boats are spoiled.

  14. notamobster says:

    Well, I just got back from a whirlwind, tour-de-force of Washington state! I got to spend Saturday & Sunday morning with with my friends Jim22, Mrs22, Motherload, and Lnl’s less-talkative brother, Greg. What an amazing visit!

    When’s the next fiesta?

  15. reboot says:

    So, recently, I’m in the exchange with wifey and the 3 1/2 year old girlie. Hovering in an isle while waiting for the woman (imagine that) and entertaining the kid. A grey hair walks up to me with a concerned look on her face and I smile at her.
    And she says “Excuse me Sir, but do you know your daughter’s boots are ON THE WRONG FEET!”. I smiled back at her, looked hurt, and said, “Sorry Ma’am, she was born that way.”. Then I took the girlie for a walk to the electronics section. You could not pay for the look on that old ladies face with the OMG eyes and the big O for the mouth.
    I damn near laughed, but held it. We had fun in the electronics section.

  16. R.D. Walker says:

    Yay, Iowa.

    CORRECTIONVILLE, Iowa (AP) – Authorities say a 45-year-old northwest Iowa man who was trying to shoot a caged raccoon accidentally shot himself.

    The Sioux City Journal reports the accident occurred a little before 10 a.m. Sunday at Copeland Park in Correctionville.

    Woodbury County Sheriff’s Maj. Greg Stallman says Tim McCormick had set out traps at his home in Correctionville and caught a raccoon. Stallman says McCormick took the caged raccoon to the park to shoot it, but instead accidentally fired his .38 caliber revolver into his left leg.

    He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Sioux City. The uninjured raccoon was released back into the woods.

    The shooting is being investigated.

    Correctionville is right.

  17. Jim22 says:

    A Golf Joke I haven’t heard before

    Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
    His wife was standing there watching him.

    After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we
    are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

    ”I wasn’t!“

    • reboot says:

      How many guys here got their zoris/chanillas/slippers scrubbed by the wife and bitched at? You WALKED on them? 🙂

  18. R.D. Walker says:

    Cop T-Shirts. You know what? I don’t think I approve of their attitude.

  19. RJ says:

    yea some of the idiots will wear those shirts, mostly I find they are typical underacheivers who are trying to evidently make up for their less than masculine or “little man” complex.

    Only an ijit would openly advertise that kind of attitude via t-shirt or facebook.

    • Locke n Load says:

      This pretty much sums it up i think.

      ” It’s worth noting that policing is a high-stress job, and one that often puts officers in contact with some pretty awful things, and in some dangerous situations. Like other high-stress professions, and professions that encounter difficult subject matter — defense attorneys, medical examiners, emergency room doctors and nurses — cops often develop a morbid sense of humor. It’s a coping mechanism. But it’s one thing to crack jokes inside the department, or at the bar after work. It’s quite another to openly advertise and promote a culture of abuse.”

      I’ve heard countless snide under your breath comments like this before but it isn’t broadcasted on T Shirts.
      We’re allowed our aggravation relief in private. In public its confrontational, antagonistic, self defeating, and extremely low class. Civil society doesn’t need BS like this

    • reboot says:

      The proper term I like is the little napolean complex. Why is it the short guys.
      My other theory is the small penis. I believe that the size of their vehicle/napolean complex is inversely proportional to the size of mister happy. I’ve not thought about checking the short arms to prove that theorem.

  20. notamobster says:

    I wore my police and SRT shirts. no attitude. No abusive stuff, but then, I frickin hate bullies.

    • Locke n Load says:

      also, yer a small mtn of a man and you could scare a perp with your smile. who the hell needs a T with attitude when yhou have that?

  21. Locke n Load says:

    RD, I fugured out what that fruit flavor is: Pear.
    how in the hell did this whiskey get a hint of Pear in it? Would be a good follow for turkey or duck dinner. Just don’t swig it after Crown.. Maple screws it all up. Two sweet whiskeys in a row confounds. Run it after a good smokey single mart and you almost have an apertif whiskey 🙂

    • reboot says:

      You sounded like you edumacated now boy.

    • R.D. Walker says:

      Beats me. It is wheat beer distilled once and aged in a charred oak barrel. Ain’t no pear in it that I know of.

      • reboot says:

        Obviously it was a deer shytting peaches in a barrel that was drying in the back yard. Happens all of the time.
        Back home it used to be coons…….the white striped variety.

      • Locke n Load says:

        Try a swig after a you start with Crown, the pear will jump out at you. I bet it would go well with a good Maduro

  22. R.D. Walker says:

    I can’t post now because I’m driving. But I am listening to MSNBC on the satellite radio. They are in full meltdown mode. The Supreme Court decision on the Voting Rights Act has them in a flat out panic.

    • R.D. Walker says:

      Al Sharpton just said that the Supreme Court has revoked what Dr Martin Luther King built. He is calling for nationwide marches and civil disobedience.

    • reboot says:

      Is that like typing one handed on the computer? 🙂

  23. Ray Davies says:

    We’re smarter than you.. We’re smarter than you..
    Just to show you folks what you’re missing not living in I O WAY.

    http://iowacity.patch.com/groups/around-town/p/iowa-city-has-smarter-people-than-ames-pretty-much-everyone-else-lumosity-says

  24. Jim22 says:

    [caption id="attachment_100460" align="aligncenter" width="600"]Interesting... Interesting…[/caption]